"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
A+ Viking dick
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
