just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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