she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
