Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
