It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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