Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
