ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
