i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
