Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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