i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
