Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
