he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
