I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
