Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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