Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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