you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm passing your future prison.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Found your dick twin last night
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
