i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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