Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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