it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
