It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
