just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
