If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
