He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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