My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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