i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
