i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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