I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
