so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
