Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
