there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
