Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
