just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
