okay pat passed out under dana's car
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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