You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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