Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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