naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
