Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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