Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
