so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
