the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
