Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
