what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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