dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
