First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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