and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
