I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
