Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
