"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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