Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
