I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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