i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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