A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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