there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
