Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
